First, let me tell you a little about my human. She used to get frustrated with me very easily which I found quite comical. She would get red in the face and start yelling funny words like, “Keno woah!” “Goddammit Keno!” “Listen here you sonofabitch!” Honestly, her funny tantrums didn’t much faze me. She would get all red and shaky and I would just keep doing what I was doing because it was really kind of fun to mess with her. I mean really, I am bigger than her I don’t need to listen if I don’t want to.
She got tired of me not listening to her and sent me to an even smaller human for something called “training”. I thought I was training her, but apparently she felt like I needed training too! It was the funniest thing, this trainer she sent me to was a short female human! I mean really? What was this little human going to do to me? It is more than a little embarrasing so I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that I no longer find it funny to make my human turn red and shake while screaming obscenities at me. I would never let the small human trainer lady know this, but thanks to her I actually kind of like my screamy human!
During the warm months my human has taken me to all kinds of scary and interesting places. We would stand around inside large buildings while other humans with clip boards walk around with strange expressions on their faces. They were kind of scary at first, but they haven’t tried to bite me not one time. Still, I keep an eye on them because they seem kind of shifty! Sometimes they call my real name, Im Embezzlin McMoney, and my human would get real excited! I am not sure what those brightly colored things are that they give her when they call my name, but she gets so excited that her face gets red for a whole different reason! She gives me pats and tells me that I am a good boy. I am not sure why she does this. Is she even paying attention? Of course I am a good boy!
There is so much to see and do at these far off places that I can’t help but say hi to everyone and look at everything around me! I am a social creature after all, it would be rude not to say hi!
Now that the nights are colder, I have heard my human talking to the little trainer lady about bringing me home for the winter. She has been talking incessently about having some adventures, just her and me.
Let me tell you, I am not sure how I feel about this! This is the same woman who tells me that I am a good boy for just standing around! I want real adventure! I don’t want, stand there till they call my name adventure! I want to look death in the face and live to tell the tale! What does my human know of adventure?
One morning a few days ago she showed up with the big moving box of terror. When she grabbed my halter I was filled with a mix of excitement and fear. I want adventure, I am just not sure why it has to include me standing in a box that shakes and rattles while the world whizzes by the window! I want to stare death in the face, but also want to be able to run away from it if I need to!
Into the box I went and spent the next what seemed like eternity letting my humans know that I was not pleased with my current situation by hitting the wall with my front feet! It doesn’t feel real good, but sometimes a point needs to be made even when it comes with a personal sacrifice.
After what seemed like forever the box of death stopped shaking and I could hear other horses talking nervously. Oh no! I was certain that I was at another one of those things where I am expected to stand nicely in hopes that my human get a brightly colored fabric pieces. This was not going to be the adventure I was promised!
Let me tell you, I was wrong! The whole thing was outside! There were these crazy wood things that horses were running toward and actually jumping over…like on purpose without their humans turning red and screaming! It was hard for me to know where to look because there was so much going on! Now, this was the adventure I had been hoping for!
My human saddled me and asked me to run in circles. I kept looking at her with my best, “are we done yet” look. There was so much excitement outside of that circle and she kept asking me to move forward in that stupid circle! For Pete’s sake, couldn’t she see how excited I was to be there? But no, true to her form, my human didn’t want to have any fun at all! So, I submitted to the boredom that is running around and around.
The real fun began after we were done in the circle. We got to go to a place called a “warm up”. It was a fantastic place full of excited horses. They were running in all directions. It was so hard to know who was having the most fun. I am a party animal so I kept trying to hang out with the horse who seemed to be having the most fun. Then I would feel a tug on my mouth and a jab in my side, “we aren’t going over there Keno” she would say. Seriously, I am a social creature and here I was in a wonderful warmup with horses like me looking to have some fun and all she did was take my fun away!
I don’t know why she kept apologizing to the other humans, it isn’t my fault that walking a straight line is super boring. I like to mix it up and get away from the fence…is it my fault that I prefer to do that when other horses are coming my way? Really, their humans should apologize to my human for asking their horses to go where I wanted to be in the first place.
I didn’t know that this warm up was not the grand adventure that my chatty human kept going and on about. This was unlike anything I have ever seen! Apparently, we were there for a thing called a Hunter Jumper Schooling Show! What ever this was, I was having a blast. As I would soon find out, this was not the show, this was the place where the horses took their riders while they were waiting for the show.
After what seemed like an eternity we were off to another brand new and exciting place. The humans at the gate were talking to my human and telling her that her class was entering. I am not sure what that meant, but that crazy chatterbox actually asked me to go through that gate where the other talky humans were standing!
I would like to take a minute and explain just what my human asked of me that day. You see where I was standing the ground was moist and dark in color. It was clear that I was on very stable and safe footing for a horse of my size. There was a small down hill path that lead to the thing my human called an arena. The path down looked exactly the same as where I had been standing. There were a lot of humans and a table with flappy things, brightly colored pieces of cloth….it hit me! I am expected to behave myself so that they call my name and my human gets one of those fabric things! Right as that realization hit me I looked down! The ground inside the arena was an entirely different color! I knew in an instant that this was bad! Did my human even understand the peril she had put us in? I tried to snort at the different colored dirt, but it didn’t go away. My human kept jabbing my sides and I just could not come to grips with the fact that this idiot sitting stupidly on my back was completely oblivious to the fact that if I so much as put a single foot on that strangely colored dirt then we could both die a horrible death. My stupid human would not be deterred so I gave my best, “don’t mess with me” snort to the death dirt making it to scared to carry out its diabolical plot to kill both me and my ignorant rider. She has no idea how close we were to death!
I had hoped that the oddly colored dirt would be the last of the horse eating obsticals for the day, but sadly it wasn’t meant to be. As we trotted into the arena it was clear to me that my stupid human was too busy grinning like an idiot to notice the monsters just scattered all over the arena. I did my best to communicate the imminent danger by hopping sideways, looking directly toward the danger and giving a good hard blow through my nose! Chatty Patti on my back was rambling on about “jumps” and “nothing to worry about”. I promise you that she didn’t even see the monsters! I am not sure how much more obvious I could have been about the clear and present danger we were in, but she was too busy pulling on my face and flopping around like a giant fish. Seriously! This dense woman will be the death of us both!
My snorting and puffing up held the monsters at bay one more time. The next thing I knew we were lined up and they called a bunch of numbers. There was something about a second place and my human got all excited and patted me and said I was a good boy. Of course I am a good boy, psycho, you didn’t die did you?
I was somewhat relieved to be leaving the arena of death until I got back to the spot where the ground changes. I survived the first passage, surely I wouldn’t survive it twice! That old familiar poking in my side and this time my human had the nerve to laugh at me and call me a dork! Does she not know that this is a real danger? The other humans were laughing too. I just could not believe how dumb humans are…do they not pay attention to the dangers around them? Either way, I prevented certain death once again.
I wasn’t sure why the chatty thing on my back didn’t get off. Soon that question would answer itself. You see, I had two more classes where I had to protect this thing on my back.
I could hardly stand still waiting our next turn. Pretty soon they called my human and once again we had to traverse the arena entrance from hell. Somehow I need to find a way to convince my human that I am very intuitive when it comes to danger. If only I had known that the strange horse eating dirt wouldn’t be the scariest thing I would see all day. Those things that had been scattered all of the arena? They are called jumps and apparently I was expected to go over them in a particular order. I was overwhelmed to the point that I did not trust that my human was even capable of protecting us at this point.
While the jumps never actually attacked, they looked as though they were going to any second! I had to keep a very close eye on them, just in case. I still don’t know why my human felt the need to say things like, “overly dramatic” and “pay attention to where you are going”. It is as though she is the one not paying attention! I know exactly where I am going, I really wish she would just sit there and enjoy the ride.
We had to go into that arena once more and go over those jumps. I think she really messed up because she didn’t want me to go over them in the same order as we did the first time! I feel bad that she isn’t smart, but I have given up trying to tell her where to go…she isn’t wise enough to listen to me anyway.
Aside from taming the wild beasts inside the arena that day I learned a new skill! Those jumps are pretty doscile considering how formidable they appear. Apparently going over them is an activity that some horses really enjoy. I love adventure and new things, and I was determined to find a better way of getting over these small fences. I discovered the best way to tame the jump monster is just to step on it with as many hooves as possible! Those suckers can’t even try to attack while they are under my feet!
It is painfully obvious that jumping horses are not nearly as smart as I am. They just go clean over those jumps without so much as a tap! Poor souls, they really don’t know how silly they look jumping over those things.
Anyway, my human got a couple more of those brightly colored ribbon things, I am sure that we were the best team since I did such a good job of telling her where to go and stepping on the jumps!
What a grand adventure! I think my human had a lot of fun. One day she might just relax and let me take the reins. Well, a horse can dream can’t he? Hashtag horse goals.